I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
