y did u give ur computer a hand job?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
