I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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