He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
