I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
