My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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