I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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