I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
