Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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