Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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