when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
one might say we're banned from that church
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
