What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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