remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This beer is not sobering me up at all
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
