There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
