I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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