shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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