I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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