just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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