I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
