you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
