I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
