Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
