oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
