they need to just BURY HIM!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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