i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
