Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
