I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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