genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
