I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
