then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
