Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
