There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
