Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
