Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
