ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
