im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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