I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you had me at cake vodka
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
