If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
