she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
