I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
