How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
