RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
