You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
