And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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