Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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