there's paper in my vomit.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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