I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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