Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
