Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
