You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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