i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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