Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
