cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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